Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate curiosity to what is happening within.
~Dr. Gabor Maté
Last night, actually early this morning at 3:30 am, I got up because I couldn’t sleep. I sat in my fur covered rocking chair and drank a glass of wine….I was having an anxiety attack.
As I sat there, I began to understand that I needed to disconnect from a lot of things that have been and are part of my life now, things like reading the fear based, so called ‘news’, this election which is most certainly rigged, which is a combination of spewing hate and meaningless words. I saw too that I needed to disconnect from toxic people and also from putting a huge amount of effort into trying to do things for people who hardly even say thank you.
And to disconnect too from Facebook which has started reminding me of the Dick and Jane books that we who grew up in the 50s, learned to read from. The stories in these books went like this: “Jane likes Spot [their dog].” “Dick likes Jane.” “Jane sees Dick.” etc. Sometimes lately when I’m looking at Facebook, I have had an unpleasant flashback to Dick and Jane. [My apologies to all lovers of Facebook..it’s just what I see]
“I’m a people pleaser” is the routine self-description of ADD adults. “I’m always so conscious of what the other person might need from me. I feel guilty if I disappoint someone. I can never say no.” Or, “I am the kind of person whom everyone calls to tell their troubles to. I can’t do that myself, though. I would feel guilty, thinking of all the people in the world who have suffered much more than I can even imagine. I shouldn’t need help.”
Someone told me a few months ago that I have a somewhat codependent personality and I think that’s true. Trying to be a ‘good’ person and do the ‘right thing’ for so many years now, I have very nearly destroyed myself and I understood last night that I cannot go on like this, not if I want to continue to live.
There are several teachers from whom I have learned a tremendous amount especially recently and last night I realized that they have all been saying much the same thing, just each from their own perspective: These teachers are the spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle; the psychiatrist, Dr. Gabor Maté; the so called conspiracy theorist, David Icke and also the Anishnabe Elder I have made 2 films with, Dave Courchene.
A few days ago I watched a talk given by Dr. Gabor Mate titled “CARE FOR THE CAREGIVER:WHEN THE BODY SAYS NO” I will post the video below but one of his primary messages is that if you can’t say no, you will most certainly get sick and also if you are not living the life YOU want to live but rather living for someone else, the same applies. Throughout my life, I have had a lot of trouble saying no and I have made a lot of sacrifices but I can see clearly now that many of them were not for the right reasons.
“When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you see the real you, or what you have been conditioned to believe is you? The two are so, so different. One is an infinite consciousness capable of being and creating whatever it chooses, the other is an illusion imprisoned by its own perceived and programmed limitations.”
Then yesterday I watched a recent David Icke video called “PERCEPTION DECEPTION” which is about FREEDOM, real freedom, going beyond the brainwashing that is a huge part of this world we live in.*I know that a lot of people won’t like what I have said about Facebook and will feel very uncomfortable with this David Icke video. They may feel that “I’d rather not look at that, I’d rather be part of the status quo.” But for me I can’t..be part of the status quo. My dad used to say to me “I wouldn’t rock the boat if I were you.” He never rocked the boat, he never lived his own life and he paid heavily for that. He could not say NO.
I have been told too, that I have, for 28 years now been on what Joseph Campbell calls “The Heroes Journey”. This journey has come to an end, all the work I did with hospice,with AIDS, with death and dying..it was for a reason but it’s over now. The many films we made will live on but my work is finished.
And so I’m not sure what’s next. A few weeks ago, Dave Courchene spoke these words in a talk he gave to a group of Anishnabe chiefs and elders in Manitoba
“Prepare for the hard times that are coming. Don’t waste time in trying to fight a system that will not change. Rebuild yourself, your families and your nation [the Indian nation he means not this one], with your way of life the Creator has given you.
Stop thinking negatively and fill your mind with positive thoughts. Depend on the land again, for all that you will need to survive. Prepare for the times when people will come looking for help. Prepare to receive the land with your leadership as the true stewards of the land.”
~Elder, Dave Courchene, Anishnabe Nation, Eagle Clan
I have also heard David Icke and others talk about the way this world was meant to be: Heaven on Earth, a Paradise where the beauty of Nature and its creatures are cherished and celebrated. A place where people care for each other,where the Elders are respected, where there is no violence, where everyone lives in peace.
So here on my place, off the grid in the pine forests of northeastern New Mexico, I think that this is what I want to do: to create a small paradise… which in many ways, it already is……
My dream and the 2 video clips are posted below these photos.
So is this blog coming to end too? I don’t know but when I finally fell asleep about 4:30 am, I had a dream that I was at some sort of party and two people gave me little flowered suitcases. This morning I looked up the meaning of suitcases in dreams and here’s what I found “dreaming of the suitcase may be about your need for freedom, or that you have to leave behind some of the material inside your suitcase.”
PS. As long as I’m saying what I really feel, here’s one more thing: In the past few months, I’ve asked for help, I put up a GOFUNDME page which if you’ve read it, you’ll understand why. The people who contributed with very few exceptions are the people with the least amount of money. A whole lot, almost all of my stress for months now has been financial, [it’s all explained on the gofundme page] and it has pushed me far, far beyond the limits of what most people can take.
There are so many people who could so easily have helped, who could have made a big difference..they are people who have come to screenings and events that RITES OF PASSAGE has put on. They are people who I’ve given to freely over the years. They are the takers in this world. They are able to conveniently develop amnesia when asked for help [unless it’s a donation to a charity ball], they would never give a homeless person a dime because they are above that [that never happens to people like them]
When you’re young, you think you have all the time but when you get older, you see the transition called death coming closer and closer. This is the time of accounting when all words and deeds are balanced.
One of my favorite movies on this subject is SAVED BY THE LIGHT about near death survivor, Dannion Brinkley. After his near death experience, Dannion was able to see life and death very clearly–what’s important, what’s not and he also developed some psychic abilities.
At one point in the film, there’s a scene which takes place in a Las Vegas casino. A man comes up to Dannion because he wants information so he can cheat and win at cards. Dannion says “You know you’ll have to account for that when you die” and the man replies “Oh I don’t care about that. I want to win now.”
So if it seems like I’m angry, yes I’m angry [healthy anger though–watch “When the Body Says No” below] and that’s why as I said above, I am through, finished and done putting a huge amount of effort into doing things for the takers in this world, for those who cannot say thank you, for those who only recognize you when you’re in with the in crowd….and I know ALL about the in crowd–I was raised with them.