A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.
This is sort of a continuation of my previous post: Is it time for saying GOODBYE?
I didn’t know if I would write anymore but as it turns out, there are more things to say goodbye to. *This is about me but even so, I always try to include something that will be relevant to others.
This morning I was sitting on my deck watching my wolfdogs play as a pair of ravens flew overhead cackling and teasing the dogs. I’ve read that ravens often follow wolf packs and I love watching them.
I also keep several raven feathers on my altar because I’m interested in signs and symbolism, particularly animal symbolism:
“If you dream of RAVEN or the RAVEN makes itself known to you, it appears to remind you that you have a choice in all things, perhaps you are not seeing the hidden potential within yourself.
So I was watching the ravens when some memories came back to me.
I remembered that when I first started my non profit which was then called AIDS Care and Assistance, I gave a presentation on AIDS for an adult Sunday School class at an Episcopal church in Austin, Texas.
The class was made up mainly of professional men and women and after my presentation, one woman came up to me and said she would like to help in our efforts to raise money.
We had a very small grant which allowed me to give presentations on AIDS to church and community groups but otherwise, we were struggling financially to provide home care for our patients, all of whom were dying.
This woman as I remember, was the fundraiser for the Austin Opera and she suggested we have a meeting so she could give me some fundraising suggestions. When we met, she first asked me to tell her about my background so I told her I had gone to the Hockaday School in Dallas to Hollins College [now Hollins University] in Virginia, that I had married [and since divorced] a doctor and had been introduced to Houston society twice. My parents I told her, belonged to several elite clubs in Houston and San Antonio including The Houston Country Club.
“You have connections I would give anything for. Why don’t you use them?” she asked.
“Because” I said “I’ve always felt like Cinderella.” “Then maybe it’s time to get to the end of that story.” she said. That was 28 years ago and I’ve never gotten to the end–I’m not talking about the Prince Charming part but from a wider perspective..I was always the black sheep, feeling like the outcast, unworthy, unwanted etc. etc. Feelings that were far in the background but they were always there I realized this morning.
I grew up in a step family and there was a lot of Cinderella symbolism which I won’t go into detail about except to say that I knew that I didn’t belong.
The summers I spent at my grandparents cottage on Lake Michigan…
…and after my mother died when I was nine, my mother’s sister who I called Aunt Tan, was in charge of me. To say she didn’t like me is an understatement-she criticized everything I did, often telling me my only good feature were my eyebrows, that I was a disgrace to my mother’s memory etc., etc. And she called me Cinderella. She doted on my cousins, her 2 sons and they often took day trips that I was not allowed to go on. When she spoke to her boys [we were very close in age and usually together], she would not look at me or include me in the conversation. She was the cruelest person I’ve ever known.
So I was Cinderella during the school year and Cinderella in the summers. [I was able to emotionally survive only because of nature: the incredible beauty of Lake Michigan, the dunes and the forests, my horse and my animals ]
Recently I’ve discovered the work of Dr.Gabor Maté, a Jewish, Hungarian born, psychiatrist who lives and practices in Vancouver, British Columbia. I will post 2 of his videos below but in the one called “When the Body says No”, he tells the story of a woman who had ALS and was struggling to keep working as assistant principal of an elementary school even though she had become almost completely disabled. She did not want to ask for help.
He goes on to explain her history: She was an adopted child and soon after she was adopted, her adopted mother got pregnant and had a child who became the center of the mother’s attention. The adopted child understood that she wasn’t wanted, appreciated or celebrated in the same way as the biological child and one of the ways she coped with this was to be very careful to never make trouble, to be good, to work very hard, to never ask for help……Cinderella
So this morning watching the ravens, these things, these memories all came together and I was able to see consciously that I don’t want to be Cinderella anymore. I saw how this perception has colored my life, the way I see things and most everything I’ve done. All this past summer, many of my friends have been taking wonderful trips. I see their photos on Facebook and I’ve felt sad and left out–not because I want to go on those trips. I’ve gone pretty much everywhere I ever wanted to go but because of the Cinderella complex–that somehow I didn’t deserve to go, am not worthy etc..that I’m still Cinderella struggling to survive, symbolically scrubbing the floors as everyone in my age group is retired and enjoying that peace of mind that comes after working hard for years and then being able relax and enjoy life.
Below are 2 videos of Dr Gabor Mate that I think are very relevant. I believe that bringing things, patterns, beliefs into our awareness is what frees us and so I’m not Cinderella anymore!
PS Also posted the official trailer for Disney’s CINDERELLA…as a memory from another time